Too much.

I try to be happy and have a positive outlook. Because if I don’t I get depressed, and fall into a deep, dark, ugly pit.

That’s why people often think I’m feeling better. Because I choose to wear a smile, have a good attitude and push through the pain.

But sometimes it’s too much. The pain is overwhelming, the symptoms multiply like fruit flies, the stress escalates, new diagnoses, everything happens at once, and it knocks me over.

I can’t smile without someone being able to instantly tell it’s fake. I am on the verge of tears all day, holding them in, trying not to lose it. I’m not just dealing with normal symptoms, I suddenly have all these new symptoms from a new problem I’m not used to dealing with. I can’t function like a normal person, I can barely function at all.

I lose my positive outlook. And I get scared about the future. I deal with high anxiety, and wonder if I’ll ever be able to live my life again.

Sometimes it’s like that, and it’s too much.

Right now is one of those times.

And I’m barely hanging onto the edge of hope, of solid ground, so I don’t fall into the endless deep dark pit.

I’m clinging with all I have left, clutching His hand, trusting Him not to let go.